Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Sick as a dog and more...

Sick as a dog... the term conjures several images for me...

A nostalgic post of sorts....
I have been sick once again the last few days.
Food poisoning like no other.
"Food poisoning" is a term that gets thrown around alot.
Especially when people take a day off work.
Call in sick.
Its one of those excuses bosses hear and roll their eyes.
But in the last two days I received a
horrible reminder of what food poisoning is.
You forget.
Sometimes you get a reminder.
I was doubled over in a ball for two days.
Have you ever had the kind of sickness
that makes you reflect on your own lifestyle and bad habits?
You suddenly find yourself pleading to a higher power.
Please make it go away.
Just let me survive this and I promise to do more for my fellow man.
Oh great powers of earth? or God?
That was me the last two days.
If I live thru this -I promise never to eat another animal again in my life.
I will only eat twigs and berries. I will be a healthier, better, person.
Your so sick that you suddenly find religion.
Yes , I was that kind of sick.
My muscles are still recovering.
I know what your thinking..
"thanks for sharing" or "what a great catch up post".
I'm so glad to hear about your bad eating habits and illness ...
Your last post talked about dog feces.
Can't imagine what his next post might be about! Hmmm?
I know ...I'm thrilling.
Such is my life lately. During my illness.
The evil dogs went back from once they came.
My house has been cleaned.
Some of you have asked...Where did these demon dogs come from?
My mother... I was repaying a life debt. Something like that.
Lesley and I told my mom that we would watch
her darlings while she went on vacation.
My mom then booked a ten day vacation to
visit my rock star brother in Seattle.
Life is getting back to normal.
In the last two days in and out of fevers.
I had visions of Lesley doing battle with man size hairballs and dust bunnies.
These things were damn big.
We had dust bunnies the size of large pigs hiding in between door cracks
and taking refuge around base boards.
It reminded me of one summer......

When I was a kid my mom would trim the dogs at home in our kitchen.
I was always amazed at how much dog hair would be on the kitchen floor.
I was always thinking of a way to harness its power somehow.
So much hair. Such a waste? Or was it?
Growing up we usually had two Lhasa Apso dogs in the house.
That summer I was obsessed with old horror movies.
One of my favorite icons was " Lon Chaney Jr." the "Wolf Man".
I would spend hours looking at pics from the old movies.
One afternoon that summer my mom finished trimming the dogs.
I happened to be looking in the refrigerator
for some grand snack (as most kids often do).
When I looked over and saw the dog trimmings laying
in a nice swept pile on the kitchen floor.
The idea hit me in the head quicker than white trash to wonder bread.
I grabbed all the dog trimmings from off the floor.
Took off into the bathroom armed with a
pair of scissors and a bottle of Elmer's white glue.
I began to glue pieces of dog fur to my face.
I was trying to recreate the same makeup effect as "Lon Chaney Jr".
In my young mind it seemed as logical as anything else.
About ten minutes into it and about 90% coverage to my face.
I discovered small amounts of dog crap in the trimmings.
This really grossed me out.
That some of the dog fur I was pasting to my face contained traces of dogshit.
It really made me freak.
Plus the white glue and fur was having trouble sticking and began to
slide into this cluster of a beard and moustache around my mouth.
I also began to brake out in huge red hives across my face.
However even with these obstacles I pressed on.
I decided that Lon Chaney Jr was probably uncomfortable as well.
They said so.
Its the price you pay for theatrics.
I just wanted to get it good enough for one perfect Polaroid.
That was the goal.
One celebrated pic would make it all worth wild.
After about ten more minutes of struggle.
I completed my masterpiece makeup job.
I had succeeded in gluing clumps of dog hair all
over my hands, chest, and all over my face.
I couldn't wait to show everyone my monstrous transformation.
How I had turned myself from "Star Wars" bed spread boy to young wolf beast.
I exploded out of the bathroom with a howl ready to unleash my
animalistic surprise on my family.
Only to find the majority of my siblings had gone to the store with my step dad.
My mother was on the phone with a friend.
At first she gave a laugh.
Then rolled her eyes. Then looked confused.
Then signaled for me to go away.
I needed a bigger target.
I decided to hunt for my old sister for a better response.
Once found, I decided it best to try to scare her.
I received an angry punch in the stomach and was called
such names as "Harry Palms" and "Harry the Howler".
She also kept pointing out that I had
chunks of crap in my makeup.
This was not the response I was hoping for.
Then I went hunting for the camera.
Only to be sadly disappointed again.
No film.
At this point the glue hair mixture was
quickly melting down around and into my mouth.
My skin under the mixture was burning and itching uncontrollably.
I had no choice. I was forced to remove my gluey concoction of my face.
It would not come off so easy.
It stuck to my eyebrows, my hair, it was in my nose.
My skin swelled and puffed.
At this frustrating moment-I did however find compassion for
a person who I had committed a mean act upon the year before.
It happened at a sleepover at Mikey G's house.
We played a mean practical joke on Martin J.
Due to the fact that Martin J. was the first to fall asleep at the party.
My friends and I had decided to fill one of his ears up with Elmer's glue.
At the time we thought this to be the funniest most clever thing in the world.
I believed we laughed until our sides hurt.
All the while Martin J never heard us.
Because his ear that was exposed to us was filled with glue
making the situation that more hilarious for us.
However we all awoke in our sleeping bags
covered in vomit the next morning.
Because Martin J. got so ill during the night.
We were told by all later that "glue ear" is extremely serious.
Its a real term.
While others got very much in trouble for that one.
I somehow managed to get out unscathed
with no punishment (my parents never found out).
Karma does play out in certain ways.
Martin J got his revenge on all of us a year later.
That's a tale of urine and lemonade.
The games young boys play.
So grand.

However I'm glad that I wasn't in attendance when Martin J.
lost his pinky in a Cuisine Art.
I heard about that one for years.
Martin J.was also the neighborhood kid
who supposedly lost a finger in a sewer.
It was told on the playground that he lost the tip of his right index finger
while attempting to lift a manhole cover.
He stuck his fingers in the holes of a manhole lid in attempts to lift it.
He was trying to retrieve a lost Star Wars action figure.
"Yoda" or perhaps a "Jawa" it was rumored.
While turning his finger in a circular motion in the hole
he severed the top of his right index finger.
I heard that they found his "figure" but not his finger.
We liked having Martin J. around because he was the the type of kid that
had done it all (or could be talked into it).
He was like our "walking Handbook of Dares and Dont's".
For as easy as Martin J was to entice into a bad idea or dare.
I don't believe he ever willingly glued dog fur with chunks of crap onto his face.
I had the taste of wet dog fur with a
smidge of crap in my mouth for weeks after that.
Such is youth...
Talk soon.


Tina-Louise said...

Um...this makes me really glad I'm a girl. However, I have a 14 year old who peed in a water bottle in my car, and he let me take a big swig without telling me! Boys will be boys. I love them still!

Tina-Louise said...

Hope you feel better soon.

Jack and Cat Curio said...

Thanks Tina! Wow... oh wow. LOL. I'm still laughing. Thanks for being true. Yeah- I have been teaching youth programs for the last fifteen years.. Just when I think I've seen it all... the boys keep on delivering!

Lindsey said...

Oh man, I definently laughed out loud a dozen times. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Sarah said...

Hope you're back to normal soon...whatever that may be!! I can't stop laughing at your escapade with the dog hair!!

The Raven said...

Ruff ruff. You are a hairy saint, Michael, and so is the lovely Lesley. Hope you're feeling better, the dogs are home, all tired out from the thrilling vacation they had with you. Half of Seattle heard about Evil, Demon & Minion and their escapades. I laughed a lot re your reminisces, and I remember well your wolfman day, not to say I didn't warn you...your heartless but loving Mama. (Does the apple fall far from the were decorating artistically even then...)

CeCe said...

My childhood was not nearly as creative as yours, my friend. But then again, as Tina-Louise said, I am a girl. Sometimes I do wonder how any of us ever get to be adults- girls or boys!
Hope you feel better for a long time!

Chia said...

Oh Mike, I've been there with the food poisoning. You have my sympathies. Take it real easy and be good to yourself, it can take weeks to get your full energy back from it.

The dog hair story was a riot!

Tricia Samsal said...

Love your story. Brings me back to my childhood, when one time I laughed so hard at something stupid my sister did, and blew my chocolate milk thru my nose! The best. I don't think I could do that again today if I tried. The wolfman story is hilarious. :)

Kim Hesson said...

oh my i think you need to start writing a book! another great story! hope your doing better!

Sweet Sage said...

Oh, I soooooooo needed a laugh today. So glad I wandered over.
Had the dreaded 'poisoning' but once .. a week in hell, for sure.
'Expired' yogurt. Yes, tasted a little funky, just add honey and stir, right? .. . Sheesh, what was I thinking?
Give me crapping dogs, dust monsters AND glue ear any day, hands down.
Feel better, my friend, you rebel you. :)
Write on .. .

Sharon Margiotta said...

Well your sense of humor wasn't lost in the bowels of food poisoning .. it might have affected your mind though!! hahaharharhahaharharharharha

Robin said...

What a story! I can only imagine what your folks thought...and I bet they could tell some more stories too. Glad to see you feeling better!!


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